The initial paperwork is completed and turned in to the mediator. Now we wait for our next appointment.

For the most part, our lives are continuing status quo. We’ve gone to functions together. We have dinner plans with another couple in a few weeks. My parents and his parents have been over for dinner. We are trying to keep things normal for the kids. It can be awkward at times, but I’d rather have it this way than not being able to be in the same room as him. My friend refers to her ex as “fuckface”, my sister refers to her ex as “db”, short for douchebag.

I don’t want to be in that place. I have pain that I still need to heal. I still have moments when the thoughts of what he did piss me off, but they are becoming fewer and farer (is that a word?) between. I hate what he did, but I don’t hate him. I guess I’m mostly indifferent where he is concerned. I’m disappointed that my marriage didn’t work. I feel a sense of loss, but I don’t know that its because I’m losing him. I wonder how much of my fight and determination to keep my marriage was really about him and how much was just because I didn’t want to admit to myself that my marriage isn’t working and we just can’t fix it.

I read an article recently that talked about how divorcing is a state of limbo. I can relate. I‘m trying to not get ahead of myself. I want to be prepared and plan for the future, but realize I can’t predict it or control it. I can only have the best plan I create with the information I have now and be flexible. 

There is fear. Fear of how my kids will adjust and cope. Fear that I won’t make ends meet. Fear that I will live paycheck to paycheck and never get beyond that.

There is also a feeling of relief. I’ve been living in limbo in my marriage for damn near a decade. I’ve endured threats of divorce, an affair, lack of love and just general disrespect. I’ve also not been all -in myself. I never decided to leave, but I also was never willing or able to jump in. As disappointing as divorce is, the way I was living is actually the tragedy.  My marriage ending isn’t what I wanted for my life, but at least now there is a direction.

Through all this fear, I also see opportunity. I see the opportunity to create my OWN life. I’ve never lived on my own. I’ve never made all the decisions. It can be a bit scary, but I believe it will be good for me in so many ways. I see opportunity to focus on my dreams and aspirations. I bought a franchise last year and have done nothing with it. I’ve spent so much time and energy on this marriage that I’ve let a lot of things important to me go. I look forward to getting back to the gym on days I don’t have my kids. My sister and I are also working on creating passive income for ourselves by partnering up on some investments.

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