In my last post I said feelings are just visitors. And they are. I have some visitors right now called anger, resentment, disappointment and hurt. Its fair to say even hate has joined the mix. I know I won’t feel like this forever, but it doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now. I have learned that in order to send them packing I have to invite them in. I need to feel their presence. Process them. And then make the conscious choice that they aren’t staying. They cannot take permanent residence in my mind, heart and soul. I have to decide to make them leave. Easier said than done.
My husband is on his trip. We had a huge text fight on his first day. It boiled down to him buying a wine. One that has Lodi on the label. Lodi, CA is where the grapes are from. Lodi, CA is also where she is from. Very early on in our post affair existence I told him that the wine with Lodi on it was a trigger. I was met with defensiveness and really just a shitty attitude. He said he found the wine before meeting her. He doesn’t drink it because it has any tie to her. He didn’t even notice Lodi on the label. May all be true. But the fact is that him ignoring the fact that its a trigger and continuing to drink it causes me pain. Apparently, until yesterday he didn’t grasp this fact. That he was knowingly and willingly doing something that caused me pain. I’m truly shocked because we’ve had the conversation several times, even in therapy. He does a grand gesture like buying me a car yet can’t do something as simple as not buying a fucking wine that is a trigger for me. Blows my mind.
He told me he thought I was trying to change him and that’s unfair. Want to know what’s unfair? Unfair is your spouse sneaking around behind your back for a year and a half. Unfair is your spouse lying to you every single day while they are having an affair. Unfair is how shitty they treated you while they were behaving in the most despicable way. Unfair is your spouse making plans to see their “friend” on a special trip. Unfair is staying at home with your child while your spouse is off having a great time, living life as a single person. Unfair is when your spouse is breaking their wedding vows and you are sitting at home, again with your child, honoring yours. Unfair is having your spouse make time for someone else. Unfair is your spouse abandoning you and your child. Unfair is your spouse inviting an unknown and unwelcome third party into your marriage. Unfair is having the sacredness and sanctity of your marriage invaded. Unfair is your spouse thinking your marriage is over so they go and find someone else without having the decency to tell you. Unfair is having your secrets told to someone that you didn’t give permission to be told, or are even aware this person is in the picture. Unfair is your spouse having sex with another person. Unprotected sex at that. Unfair is your spouse doing all this and not having any regrets, remorse or empathy until after you find out. Unfair is you fighting to keep your marriage together after they betray you. Unfair is having to suck up your pride. Unfair is having to work so fucking hard to keep a marriage together with someone who cheated on you. Unfair is having to live with the consequences of their actions. Unfair is living with triggers every single day. Triggers that are caused by their choices. Unfair is no longer being able to hear or think about Las Vegas, San Francisco, New Orleans and Nashville without thinking about your spouse’s affair. Unfair is not being able to hear Lodi, the state of CA, the name Lindsay, the name Jones, see a late 20’s blond without thinking about his affair. Unfair is when my husband touches me, wondering if he touched her the same way. Unfair is having my life permanently altered by his weak choices. That’s unfair.
I’m left thinking, at least right now in this moment, that I should just end this marriage. I can not be with someone who is willing to hurt me intentionally or at least knowingly. Which isn’t that the same thing? He knew his affair would hurt me. Yet did it anyways. I told him getting the wine hurts me. Yet he did it anyways. That’s not the actions of a man that loves and honors his wife. Its the actions of a selfish man, only concerned with himself. Feeling like he’s being “controlled”. He has done some great, positive things. I will give him that. At the moment though, the good isn’t outweighing the bad. I deserved better when he was cheating on me. And I deserve better now.
When he initially had the reaction about the wine I was too weak and afraid to leave. I’m no longer that girl. I was on my own for a year and a half while he “acted out” and was just fine. I was an emotional wreck, but I managed and did what needed to be done for my daughter. I’m stronger now emotionally. I know I can be on my own. During his affair he taught me how to live without him. He was a good teacher. Maybe too good. I was reminded last night of this as we trick or treated without him.
I am supposed to meet him and his sister in Nashville on Tuesday. As it stands now I am not going. I don’t think I can be around him and act like nothing is wrong. I also think some time apart may be good. I’m looking at taking my own trip next week. I can’t think and quiet my mind when I’m taking care of two kids and pretending my marriage isn’t in shambles while my mom is here.
I’m too tired to keep fighting. I’m exhausted and just don’t have much more to give. This is starting to cost me too much. I can feel myself starting to withdraw. Starting to just put my walls back up. Because this is too painful.
I feel like so much damage has been done, I don’t see a way through it. I don’t see me healing with him. I just don’t know how that’s possible. At least not right now. His affair caused so much hurt. Loss of trust. Loss of respect. Loss of love. Then he added to that with his behavior after I found out. Things he’s said, done and refused to do have twisted the knife and dug it deeper. And I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that. At least not while the knife is continuing to be stabbed into me.
These feelings are here. Visiting. I won’t allow them to stay long. But they’re here for a reason. I need to invite them in, listen to them. Then, when I’m ready, make them leave.