During an argument last night my husband once again told me he’s done. I wish I would have listened the first time. It reminds me of a quote that says when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. When I saw the email of him telling her they couldn’t be together for several years because it would be too suspicious, my first thought was to email them both and tell them no need to wait, they can be together now. But I didn’t act in the moment. I didn’t do anything that would make the situation worse. And for what? In the end, none of it really mattered.
I’m not going to lie. This hurts. Really bad. My heart aches for the loss. For what my kids are going to endure. It hurts having your spouse cheat on you and then not be able to see the healing process through. I know he has his own source of pain from before the affair and it gets in his way, but it still hurts.
I made myself vulnerable and opened myself up to him in ways I haven’t in a really long time, maybe ever. I put myself out there. I came out of my comfort zone. In the past I’d shut down alot. I didn’t do that anymore. I could be mad at him and still have sex. I could put the anger, disappointment, etc in check and go have a good time with him. In some ways I regret that. Because I felt that I was only going to get hurt and I did. I feel like I should have known better. That if I’d kept my wall up, this wouldn’t hurt so bad. That if I didn’t let myself have hope, this wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Last night during our conversation he said there is some type of pull he feels toward me. That no matter how mad he is, one look and he is drawn back in. It sucks because I feel the same way. As he was talking to me all I wanted to do was kiss him. This morning he left for work and all I hoped for was for him to come back home and kiss me. Hold me. Tell me he loves me. Fight for me. But, that didn’t happen. Just about a week ago I told him I’m pretty low. Drained. I asked him to fight for us. I told him I don’t want him to save me. I want him to stand by me as I save myself. I don’t like admitting weakness. I don’t like admitting I need help. And I did that. Only to be pushed away. Only to have it not matter.
I’m looking for lessons in this whole thing. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to love and value myself. To stand up for myself and what I believe in. To know that I am a strong, capable woman. And though this physically hurts right now, someday I will be ok. I am worth fighting for. So I will fight for myself.