A Few Good Reminders

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

My last post was about the end of my marriage. Shortly after I wrote that, my husband came home from work feeling sick. He opened up. Cried. He says he’s done when he feels like we are never going to heal. He says he’s done when he feels drained. I get it. I know he says it out of desperation and the pain we’re causing each other. I know he truly doesn’t want to not be with me. I’ve felt like saying I was done on many occasions. I guess the main difference is that I don’t say it in the heat of the moment.

It still hurts. To have been told many times that he’s done. We had a long talk on Friday. I left to visit a friend in Philadelphia for the weekend. We had good communication while I was gone. We’ve come to the conclusion that us  both being vulnerable is what will save us. If we can’t do that, we will not work.

The experience reminded me of a few things. It reminded me that I am worth fighting for. It reminded me that I am stronger than I think. It reminded me that I am capable and prepared to live without him.

It also reminded me that while I feel that my pain is more severe, he has pain too. It reminded me that he does love me and want to be with me. It reminded me that we both have to continue to work hard and be vulnerable to make this work. It reminded me that I do want this to work. And that in wanting that, I also have to do the work. It sucks. Its unfair. But its reality. I lost sight of that for awhile. I became consumed with my pain. It reminded me of this roller coaster. It also caused a change. We were both acting stubborn. I was at a point of not really giving a shit. I mean, deep down I did. But I didn’t want to show that I cared. Its why I allowed those guys in my hotel room. I knew what I was doing, I just didn’t care. I didn’t care about any consequences at that point. In the same respect, its why he talked to her in the first place. I had the sense to stop before anything happened. He, unfortunately, did not. It reminded me that he isn’t a bad person. He’s a good person that made some disgusting choices. It reminded me that he is trying to the best of his ability. It reminded me that sometimes we have to fall apart before we can put ourselves back together.

We had a nice talk this evening. I talked about all of my insecurities. How I still struggle to trust him completely. Believe him sometimes. Wonder if he’s lying. How for a long time I felt that he wanted her. He reassured me. Reminded me that he’s where he wants to be. That the premise of their relationship was her giving him advice on how to be a better husband (she probably should have given advice that him and her talking and having a secret relationship and sex is a bad idea but whatever). I know that he had a real chance with her. I know she wanted to be with him. That she loved him (or at least thought she did). He could have left me and pursued a relationship with her. But she isn’t what he wanted. She only had a spot in his life because of where our marriage was (I am in no way accepting responsibility for his affair, only that I know our marriage wasn’t great for some time before he made the choice). It doesn’t dull the pain or make any of it ok. Just reminds me that he may actually be telling me the truth when he says he loves me. That he’s loved me all along and just couldn’t get through to me. And at that point he gave up. That he needed to love himself too. He went about it ALL wrong. But I understand the necessity of loving yourself.

So, this roller coaster continues. I know the ups and downs are not over. I just hope that with a commitment to vulnerability on both of our parts, we can get to where we want. A healthy marriage where we both feel loved, supported and accepted for who we are.

 

Is The Fight Over Or Has It Just Begun?

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

During an argument last night my husband once again told me he’s done. I wish I would have listened the first time. It reminds me of a quote that says when people show you who they are, believe them the first time. When I saw the email of him telling her they couldn’t be together for several years because it would be too suspicious, my first thought was to email them both and tell them no need to wait, they can be together now. But I didn’t act in the moment. I didn’t do anything that would make the situation worse. And for what? In the end, none of it really mattered.

I’m not going to lie. This hurts. Really bad. My heart aches for the loss. For what my kids are going to endure. It hurts having your spouse cheat on you and then not be able to see the healing process through. I know he has his own source of pain from before the affair and it gets in his way, but it still hurts.

I made myself vulnerable and opened myself up to him in ways I haven’t in a really long time, maybe ever. I put myself out there. I came out of my comfort zone. In the past I’d shut down alot. I didn’t do that anymore. I could be mad at him and still have sex. I could put the anger, disappointment, etc in check and go have a good time with him. In some ways I regret that. Because I felt that I was only going to get hurt and I did. I feel like I should have known better. That if I’d kept my wall up, this wouldn’t hurt so bad. That if I didn’t let myself have hope, this wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Last night during our conversation he said there is some type of pull he feels toward me. That no matter how mad he is, one look and he is drawn back in. It sucks because I feel the same way. As he was talking to me all I wanted to do was kiss him. This morning he left for work and all I hoped for was for him to come back home and kiss me. Hold me. Tell me he loves me. Fight for me. But, that didn’t happen. Just about a week ago I told him I’m pretty low. Drained. I asked him to fight for us. I told him I don’t want him to save me. I want him to stand by me as I save myself. I don’t like admitting weakness. I don’t like admitting I need help. And I did that. Only to be pushed away. Only to have it not matter.

I’m looking for lessons in this whole thing. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is to love and value myself. To stand up for myself and what I believe in. To know that I am a strong, capable woman. And though this physically hurts right now, someday I will be ok. I am worth fighting for. So I will fight for myself. 

Its Time To Heal

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

I ended up going to Nashville. A good friend talked me into it. I went with the mindset that its a free trip to a place I’ve never been before. May as well go.

I went on Tuesday. At this time, I was still very angry with him. He was still being pretty shitty to me. The girl I drove down with and I arrived around 8pm. We cleaned up and went out. We got pretty drunk. Not being cocky, but I had alot of guys hit on me. I had some drinks bought for me. At the end of the night two guys came back to our hotel room. I thought she invited them, so I didn’t stop it. The one who was talking to me was married. I told him he needs to stop cheating on his wife. I told him he was going to devastate her and that I knew from experience. I told him that he still wears his wedding ring, so he must still be committed to her on some level. That I’m sure he’s in his own kind of pain, but cheating on her isn’t going to fix it. Whatever problems they have will be amplified and he’s going to possibly to lose her forever. That if he truly doesn’t want to be with her, then grow a set and leave her. Be a man and leave before betraying her. Quit being a selfish, asshole coward and do the right thing.  He left the room (I’m hoping his guilty conscious got the best of him) and his friend followed.

I told my husband about this. He sent me flowers to my hotel room with a card saying “I am sorry. Please forgive me. Let’s have fun. I love you” He wasn’t planning on getting into Nashville until late Wednesday night or even Thursday morning. He got there on Wednesday around dinner time. He hustled to get there. When he got there he was all over me. Now, he is usually quick to compliment me and isn’t afraid of PDA. But they way he was kissing me and touching me. They way he made sure I knew he was aroused to be next to me. It kind of felt like hysterical bonding a little. He did say he felt   anxious about the thought of another guy touching me. He asked me in many different ways if I’d done anything. I didn’t do a damn thing. I so easily could have, with these guys and plenty of others. I know they were only after sex. But I could have gotten their phone numbers and started a relationship with them. I could have lied to him about it. I could have had an affair. And I didn’t. Because its not who I am. Because I did the right thing. And in this instance, I was a better person than my husband. The experience kind of pissed me off. Thinking that how I behaved is how he should have. But he didn’t. And the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s are killing me. I know I have to find a way to let it go. Let it all go, for ME.

It sucks that feeling like letting go is letting him off the hook. Condoning what he did. Making his affair ok. I guess I need to love myself more than hating his affair. To borrow the words of marriagerecovery:  The scars of the adultery remain but they don’t have to disfigure your life.

Life’s Not Fair, Is It?

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

In my last post I said feelings are just visitors. And they are. I have some visitors right now called anger, resentment, disappointment and hurt. Its fair to say even hate has joined the mix. I know I won’t feel like this forever, but it doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now. I have learned that in order to send them packing I have to invite them in. I need to feel their presence. Process them. And then make the conscious choice that they aren’t staying. They cannot take permanent residence in my mind, heart and soul. I have to decide to make them leave. Easier said than done.

My husband is on his trip. We had a huge text fight on his first day. It boiled down to him buying a wine. One that has Lodi on the label. Lodi, CA is where the grapes are from. Lodi, CA is also where she is from. Very early on in our post affair existence I told him that the wine with Lodi on it was a trigger. I was met with defensiveness and really just a shitty attitude. He said he found the wine before meeting her. He doesn’t drink it because it has any tie to her. He didn’t even notice Lodi on the label. May all be true. But the fact is that him ignoring the fact that its a trigger and continuing to drink it causes me pain. Apparently, until yesterday he didn’t grasp this fact. That he was knowingly and willingly doing something that caused me pain. I’m truly shocked because we’ve had the conversation several times, even in therapy. He does a grand gesture like buying me a car yet can’t do something as simple as not buying a fucking wine that is a trigger for me. Blows my mind.

He told me he thought I was trying to change him and that’s unfair. Want to know what’s unfair? Unfair is your spouse sneaking around behind your back for a year and a half. Unfair is your spouse lying to you every single day while they are having an affair. Unfair is how shitty they treated you while they were behaving in the most despicable way. Unfair is your spouse making plans to see their “friend” on a special trip. Unfair is staying at home with your child while your spouse is off having a great time, living life as a single person. Unfair is when your spouse is breaking their wedding vows and you are sitting at home, again with your child, honoring yours. Unfair is having your spouse make time for someone else. Unfair is your spouse abandoning you and your child. Unfair is your spouse inviting an unknown and unwelcome third party into your marriage. Unfair is having the sacredness and sanctity of your marriage invaded. Unfair is your spouse thinking your marriage is over so they go and find someone else without having the decency to tell you. Unfair is having your secrets told to someone that you didn’t give permission to be told, or are even aware this person is in the picture. Unfair is your spouse having sex with another person. Unprotected sex at that. Unfair is your spouse doing all this and not having any regrets, remorse or empathy until after you find out. Unfair is you fighting to keep your marriage together after they betray you. Unfair is having to suck up your pride. Unfair is having to work so fucking hard to keep a marriage together with someone who cheated on you. Unfair is having to live with the consequences of their actions. Unfair is living with triggers every single day. Triggers that are caused by their choices. Unfair is no longer being able to hear or think about Las Vegas, San Francisco, New Orleans and Nashville without thinking about your spouse’s affair. Unfair is not being able to hear Lodi, the state of CA, the name Lindsay, the name Jones, see a late 20’s blond without thinking about his affair. Unfair is when my husband touches me, wondering if he touched her the same way. Unfair is having my life permanently altered by his weak choices. That’s unfair.

I’m left thinking, at least right now in this moment, that I should just end this marriage. I can not be with someone who is willing to hurt me intentionally or at least knowingly. Which isn’t that the same thing? He knew his affair would hurt me. Yet did it anyways. I told him getting the wine hurts me. Yet he did it anyways. That’s not the actions of a man that loves and honors his wife. Its the actions of a selfish man, only concerned with himself. Feeling like he’s being “controlled”. He has done some great, positive things. I will give him that. At the moment though, the good isn’t outweighing the bad. I deserved better when he was cheating on me. And I deserve better now.

When he initially had the reaction about the wine I was too weak and afraid to leave. I’m no longer that girl. I was on my own for a year and a half while he “acted out” and was just fine. I was an emotional wreck, but I managed and did what needed to be done for my daughter. I’m stronger now emotionally. I know I can be on my own. During his affair he taught me how to live without him. He was a good teacher. Maybe too good. I was reminded last night of this as we trick or treated without him.

I am supposed to meet him and his sister in Nashville on Tuesday. As it stands now I am not going. I don’t think I can be around him and act like nothing is wrong. I also think some time apart may be good. I’m looking at taking my own trip next week. I can’t think and quiet my mind when I’m taking care of two kids and pretending my marriage isn’t in shambles while my mom is here.

I’m too tired to keep fighting. I’m exhausted and just don’t have much more to give. This is starting to cost me too much.  I can feel myself starting to withdraw. Starting to just put my walls back up. Because this is too painful.

I feel like so much damage has been done, I don’t see a way through it. I don’t see me healing with him. I just don’t know how that’s possible. At least not right now. His affair caused so much hurt. Loss of trust. Loss of respect. Loss of love. Then he added to that with his behavior after I found out. Things he’s said, done and refused to do have twisted the knife and dug it deeper. And I don’t know if there’s any coming back from that. At least not while the knife is continuing to be stabbed into me.

These feelings are here. Visiting. I won’t allow them to stay long. But they’re here for a reason. I need to invite them in, listen to them. Then, when I’m ready, make them leave.

Feelings are just visitors

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

In this moment, right now, I feel frustrated. Disappointed. Exhausted. Defeated.

Its been a rough week. Lots of ups and downs. Baby boy is just over two months old and has had a cold for almost a week. He’s doing pretty good but its stressful. He wants to be held almost constantly. I can’t get anything done and have very little down time. And no me time.

My husband leaves for his week long trip tomorrow early in the morning. When this trip was planned I asked him to step up more with the kids for a few days before he left. To my disappointment he has not done this. Some things with his business partner have occurred and he is working to dissolve their partnership and this has taken over his time and energy. I get this. I recognize it. I am supportive of it to the best of my ability. This occurred on Tuesday. He came home from work steaming. I learned what happened. He wanted a little time alone to gain control of himself. I obliged. His nephew came over for a school project and they then went for a drive in my new car. I do need to pause and give him some credit here. I am not a car girl but the Dodge Challenger really catches my eye. I’ve said that I really like them. My husband found one in Michigan. He took care of all the details and basically said its ready for you to pick up. He couldn’t go with me so my mom and I drove to get it. Its fucking sexy. I really do love this car. More than the car and more than what it cost, I appreciate the time he put into making this happen. That means so much more to me than anything. He paid for the windows to be tinted because I mentioned I was considering doing it in the spring. He found a place and made an appointment. He got a car cover and battery tender for when it goes into storage (not driving it in winter, too much snow where I live).

Wednesday he had to work late to help one of his employees. They went for a beer after and met up with another friend/business contact. He then invited the business contact over to have a cigar. He knew I was sick. He knew I was counting on him to help out more in the days leading up to being gone for a week. Now, he did offer to stay up wit the baby for the night. After he had his cigar and visited with his friend of course. So he offered to help, but not really. His friend left around midnight. We ended up talking about this and were up most of the night. I ended up getting up and feeding our son anyways. During our conversation he explained what he was going through. His side of things. He says “you have to understand” to me a lot. And really, I don’t have to understand. I try to understand but I don’t have to. I can’t explain why I don’t like that statement, but I don’t. Maybe because it sounds and feels like “suck it up” and I’m done sucking it up. I’m choking on everything I’ve sucked up.

So we have that conversation, which was calm and rational and positive. We cuddled. Had sex. I’ve been telling him a lot lately that I need him to talk to me about his emotions. I don’t feel his remorse or empathy and I need that. In an effort to open up, he catalogued his day. What he did and what thoughts and emotions it evoked in him. He did this on his own, which meant a lot to me. That he heard what I said and did something to let me in. Its a step in the right direction.

Last night he had a card game (he plays every month). He did leave work early and come home and carve pumpkins with our daughter. Things got a little disrupted when his sister came over, but he did feed our son before leaving. He is taking this trip with his sister. I am meeting up with them on Tuesday though. They are going to a Raiders game this Sunday. His sister surprised him with tickets to go on the field and meet the players. I was working on the same surprise for him for when we go in December. I got upset and disappointed. I have some residual feelings of being abandoned and cast aside and easily replaced from his affair. This brought those feelings up for me. I reacted poorly. I got angry. I made it about me. I fully admit that. He said he doesn’t feel supported. But in reverse, why can’t I say “You have to understand that I was emotional? That my surprise for was ruined?” Its a two way street and will not live in a house of double standards.

He has already said he needs to pack and go to bed early tonight. I have to take our son to the doctor and our daughter to a party.

I think he feels because he’s done these other things (car, detailing his emotions, etc) that I shouldn’t be upset that he didn’t step up. Me being upset doesn’t negate any of the good he’s done. I don’t appreciate it any less. I haven’t forgotten about it. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t have a right to my feelings and emotions. The end result is that I asked for extra help before he leaves and didn’t get it. He fed our son once this week. He does get our daughter off to school. Mind you I try to have everything ready. I don’t always, but I do the majority of the time. I am understanding that things came up with work and in life in general.  So why not back off of something else? Why not skip cards? He’s leaving for a week. Is it too much to ask for him to make a small sacrifice? What bothers me the most is that I specifically asked for the extra help. In the past I would have expected it without telling him and then be pissed when he didn’t help out. I’ve learned he doesn’t just know or think to do things like that. It still blows my mind, but he doesn’t just know. So I put it out there. Only to be let down. Only to hear all the reasons (excuses) he couldn’t help. Its disheartening and really makes me feel like me and our kids are not a priority for him. I am understanding that work comes up. But something always comes up. There is always some drama or crisis that I “have to understand” and be supportive of.

At the moment, it feels like supporting him comes at a price to me. A price that I’m not willing to pay long term. If I have my own emotions about something then I’m not supporting him. The biggest kicker is, that I don’t feel supported in return. That’s probably where the biggest issue lies.  I said hey you let me down and got excuses in return and told he doesn’t feel supported. Well, guess what? Him only feeding our son once in a week, having changed a handful of diapers in two months, not giving any baths and getting up with him maybe 4 times makes me not feel supported. It makes me feel taken advantage of. Taken for granted. He told me that he appreciates everything I do and he couldn’t do it with out me. Which I do appreciate him saying. The sad thing is, I know I could do this alone. I did it alone for too long with our daughter and I told him I refuse to do it alone moving forward. I’m utterly confused about a lot things in my life right now. One thing I’m not confused about is that if I feel like a single parent – I may as well be a single parent.

I just wonder when does MY experience get consideration? When do MY feelings count and matter?  When does he “have to understand” my side? When am I going to be supported?

The good news is I know these are just feelings. Feelings are just visitors. They come and go. I’ve learned I need to greet them but I don’t have to invite them to stay. I will not feel like this forever. Just from writing this I’m starting to feel better already.

Its Been Awhile

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

I was to return to work on Tuesday 10/13 from maternity leave. I was told on 10/7 that I no longer have a job. I actually had a gut feeling this was going to happen. It sucks, but it is what it is. I’m looking at this as an opportunity to reinvent myself. I had a quick pity party for myself but am proud of myself for how I’m handling it. My former employer is trying to screw me over, but I’m standing firm. I know my worth and will not back down. Its actually satisfying to know I’m holding my own and knowing my former employer realizes they underestimated me.

My son is almost two months old. He’s doing great. He has been sleeping about 6 hours a night for awhile now, which I’m SO grateful for. He’s starting to smile and getting so close to cooing. He’s a handsome little guy. He was put in my life for a reason.

My daughter has been amazing. She’s loving kindergarten and being a big sister. I’m so proud of her and impressed with how easy this life change has been for her.

My dad went back home about a week ago. My mom is staying until the second week of November. She’s been an amazing help. I think I’d have lost my sanity by now if she wasn’t here.

Things have been up and down with my husband, but right now I’d say we’re in a pretty decent place. I know it could change in an instant but I’m enjoying where we are today. We’ve made some progress in our communication and problem solving skills. When I live in the moment, I’m happy. I have fun.

The next stage of healing for me is learning to let go of the pain. It’s not my burden to carry and quite honestly, I’m exhausted from carrying it. I gain more from letting go than from hanging onto it. I saw a quote once that basically said that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I’ve been suffering. My husband’s affair was traumatic. Devastating. Paralyzing. Unfair. It caused so much pain. But it doesn’t have to cause suffering. I’ve always felt there is alot of power in choice. He chose poorly to say the least. But I have the power of how I choose to spend my life. There comes a time when if I chose to stay in this marriage, I have to let go. For me. For my children. For my marriage. Its difficult for sure. It feels like having a better marriage after an affair is a reward for him. But not moving on is a punishment to both of us.

I’m in no way saying that I didn’t need or deserve this time to process my pain, or even that I no longer feel pain. I’m not saying that he didn’t deserve some harsh words or to face the consequences of his actions. He needed to prove he’s worthy of me. Where the real change is occurring is both of us working hard.  GROWING as individuals. Getting over our egos. Listening to each other. Showing compassion and care. Being brutally honest, even when it hurt. Letting go of our stubbornness. Letting go of our need to be right. Letting go of our need for control. And most importantly, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Its sad that it took an affair to bring this type of change. I will always hate the fact that my husband betrayed me that way. I will probably always have some sort of triggers, though I expect that they will lessen (they have already).  We are going to San Francisco for a second time since I’ve learned of his affair. It still feels like the scene of the crime to me. But I will not allow her or what they did there to have that much power over me. Its a city. And I won’t avoid it or not live my life to the fullest because of his affair. This is my life. I only get one. Nothing, not even his affair, is important enough to ruin me and the very little precious time I have here. Life is too short to be unhappy. I deserve to be happy, fulfilled and whole. My children deserve a mother who is healthy and a good role model.  My husband deserves a wife that accepts him, flaws and all. If I can’t do that, then why stay married?

We all experience trauma. Its what we do with the pain that defines us. We can either let it make us bitter, or we can use it to grow and flourish.

A Birth, A New Beginning, Anniversaries and Ghosts

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

A Birth

My son was born 8/16. He looks exactly like my husband. Exactly. I think I was simply an incubator and none of my DNA was used. Seriously. He made his arrival early but all is well. He’s healthy and so far a pretty easy going baby (which I’m thankful for – I don’t think I can handle much more stress in my life right now).

A New Beginning

My daughter started school this week. She is so excited and happy to be a big girl in kindergarten. She looks so damn cute in her uniform. She’s growing up so fast, I’d like to bottle her up and keep her just like she is today.

Anniversaries

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I’m really not sure how I feel about it. Mostly sad. Sad at how our marriage turned out. Sad about how wrong things went. Sad about the damage done. Sad, wondering if there will be a happy ending to this story. This week also marks the one year anniversary of D-Day and it was two years ago around this time that he met up with her in SFO and had sex. He came home from his ever so fun weekend and romp with her to me and we went to an amusement park for our anniversary. We had sex and it was different. Now I can’t help but wonder if he had sex with her the same way. I guess I can be thankful that I didn’t get any STD’s from it. It still hurts. I didn’t expect it not to hurt anymore, but I am starting to wonder when the hurt will stop. I’m tired of feeling this way. I just want to be happy again. Its so unfair that I’m in this much pain from something I didn’t even do. Sucks…

Ghosts

I am haunted. I live with a ghost. The ghost of a person I’ve never met. She is someone I wish didn’t exist in my life. I didn’t invite her. She invaded my life without my consent or knowledge. I don’t know much about her. Other than the fact that she’s so damaged she was willing to have an affair with my husband. She knew about me. Saw my pictures. Saw pictures of my daughter. She listened to my husband complain about me. She gave him a shoulder to cry on, literally. Then gave him a warm place for his dick. She also encouraged her friend to carry on an affair with my husband’s business partner. The four of them must of been so cute hanging out together. Deceiving everyone that loved them. Deceiving the innocent spouses and children at home. The spouses remaining loyal and faithful. The spouses waiting for scraps of attention. The spouses that were just as unhappy in the marriage but CHOSE to honor their vows. CHOSE to honor their commitments. CHOSE to honor their responsibilities. CHOSE to live with integrity and character. Sometimes my integrity and character is all I have to hold onto. But, I guess at least I can say I have that. Which is more than what most people can say.

Quote of the Day Challenge

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

I was chosen by bac4sccr for the Quote of The Day Challenge.  Here is day one.

The Rules:

* Post 1 quote a day for 3 days (can be your own or from other sources)

* Nominate 3 bloggers per post

* Thank the person who  nominated you

I nominate

Life. Post. Affair.

Diary of a Warrior Princess

My Life is a Soap Opera

Thank you, bac4sccr for nominating me. This is a great way to share some profound quotes we’ve all gathered.

Letting Go

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, divorce, healing after affair, infidelity

Last night my husband said he’s had enough. He can’t do this anymore. Today he’s said that he loves me more than anything but just can’t go on the way we’ve been. We sat in his car after meeting for lunch and he cried. I’ve been a hot mess. Our problems go beyond his affair. We have a long history together. A long history of causing each other pain. A long history of loving each other and many, many fun times and lots of love.

We love each other, yet don’t show it. We allow our pain and fear to cripple us. Its very sad, really. He told me last night that I need to figure out how to let him go. I’m not ready for that yet. I actually started a post yesterday before our conversation about letting go and didn’t post it. I may very well be on my way to getting a divorce. But it doesn’t change what I felt yesterday – and still feel today. Here were my thoughts…

I am letting go. Letting go of who I thought my husband should be instead of focusing on who he really is.  I’m letting go of the unrealistic expectations I’ve had in the past. I now know that I put unrealistic expectations on him, setting him up to fail. I’m letting go of the thought that he needs to be perfect. Rather, I accept him for who he is. Because he is actually pretty amazing. He’s an awesome father. Our daughter adores him. She gives “daddy’s girl” a whole new meaning. I enjoy watching them together. They dance and sing. Play. He takes her on dates. He is so invested in her and it shows in her confidence.  He’s a smart, savvy businessman. He started his own business about 5 years ago, which took courage. He values and treats his employees great. He is a dedicated brother and son. He recently bought his parents house so they wouldn’t lose it. He has taken over paying their bills, a burden he doesn’t really need. He has helped his siblings countless times with both money and just being there for them. He’s been the best husband he can possibly be to me. For a majority of our relationship I didn’t see how great he was. I was blinded by my own pain and trauma. My own issues. But he really has been more than I can ask for. While we may not always speak the same language and show our affection the same, he’s been there for me. He’s supported me, even if it didn’t feel like it. He’s believed in me. He’s pushed me to try new things and come out of my comfort zone. He’s brought adventure and thrill into our marriage. He has loved me the best way he knew how. He’s attractive too. Its funny that every other guy I find attractive has some similarity to my husband. A few times I’ve caught a glimpse of him from across a room in public without realizing its him and think “damn, he’s hot!”. Then realize I just checked out my own husband. The safest place I’ve ever felt is in his arms. Somewhere along the line, I allowed my own shit to get in the way of that. I’m letting go of the need to control my life and those around me. I didn’t really have control of anything anyway. I’m letting go of my perceptions without clarifying if they are correct. No more miscommunication and assumptions. I’m letting go of negative thoughts. You are what you think and you can’t have a positive life with a negative mind. I’m letting go of fear. Man, this one is hard. I’ve lived in fear for so long. Its become a way of life for me. But its not the life I want anymore. I’m letting go of my wall. I felt it was protecting me from hurt when in reality it only prevented me from loving and being loved fully. I’m letting go of the pain. I’m tired of it. Its a weight I don’t need to keep lifting. I’m letting go of resentment, and choosing forgiveness instead. I chose to forgive my husband for his affair. He hurt me more than I can ever describe but I forgive him. Forgiveness doesn’t mean his actions were acceptable. Forgiveness means I no longer allow it to control me and hold me back. I’m letting go of the need to focus on what else I may not know about his affair. Instead I will appreciate the moment I’m in. I’m letting go of allowing my past to dictate my future. I’m letting go of the edge. I have to jump in, all in, if my marriage has any chance of survival. I deserve it. He deserves it. WE deserve it. 

Baby, I’m Amazed By You

Tags

adultery, affair, betrayed spouse, cheating, d-day, healing after affair, infidelity

My husband was out of town last night.  So it was my daughter and I. Whenever he’s out of town I let my daughter sleep with me. I just feel better having her close. Not sure if its to comfort me or her. Either way its what we do. Out of the blue last night while we’re laying in bed she tells me “Mommy, thank you for having me. I really wanted to be alive. I appreciate that you did that for me” then kisses me. What FIVE year old thinks this deep and verbalizes it? She AMAZES me. Of course I cried and told her how lucky I am to have her as my little girl. There have been days where the only reason I have gotten out of bed – and continued to live – is because of her. We struggled to get pregnant with her. Took years and fertility treatments. She was SO worth all of it. Every tear I shed each month when I wasn’t pregnant. When I felt like I was never going to get pregnant. Never be a mom. It felt like hell at the time. But she was worth every single tear, every day my heart ached. Every procedure. The scary as hell emergency c-section and rough recovery. The sleepless nights. She was worth it all.

While we haven’t been good with each other, my husband and I are really good at showing her unconditional love. We’re really good at communicating with her. I tell her every single day how much I love her. How I will love her no matter what. That she is special to me. That even when we argue or I lose my patience with her – I still love her. We’ve made a safe environment for her to express herself. She’s allowed to tell us when she’s mad at us and why. We acknowledge her fears. We validate her feelings. We listen to her. We make time for her and prove to her that she is important through words and actions. Her confidence is off the charts. She could probably use a little humility! She told me about a boy at daycare that commented on how hairy she is. She is hairy, has been since the day she was born. Her reply to him was that yes she is hairy, but she’s still beautiful. And she means it. She believes it. She knows it. God, I hope nobody can ever take that confidence away from her.

If my daughter cheats on her husband or is the other woman, I’ll be disappointed. But I’ll still love her. She is going to do things that will hurt me. But I’ll still love her. I can’t imagine any scenario where I am not in a full loving relationship with her.

Why is it so easy to love our children – or am I delusional b/c she’s only 5 and I need to wait until she’s a teenager? Why does it seem so difficult to love our spouses the same way?Why can we be so good with her when we’ve fucked up “us” so badly?